Why Can't I Call My Girlfriend Crazy When She's Mad At Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Why Can't I Call My Girlfriend Irrational Or Ask Her If She's On Her Period When She's Mad At Me?
I recently read your article in the Washington Post about calling women crazy (or stopping). Your points are valid but it left me thinking, what's the solution? When you don't call and your lady is pissed, what then? My reaction is to cite the reasons why, then get pissed because it seems like it shouldn't be a big deal and all of a sudden it is. She says "all I want you to do is hear me and acknowledge or take accountability." Then I've been accused of gaslighting, which I don't feel I am doing but am willing to consider.
Is it simply not acceptable to point out irrationality or over reaction any more ? See the thing is we as men and including myself believe women are crazy because behavior seemingly comes out of nowhere with unexplainable intensity. I myself acknowledge I believe this on a deep level. I don't call my partner crazy out loud, but I do in my head.
So when your woman is having an emotional reaction you don't want to deal with or are unprepared for, what is the solution? Obviously we shouldn't dismiss them and call them crazy, irrational, or ask if they're on their period, but what next? Seek to understand?
Also one more question, why is it not a legitimate question to ask where a woman is in their cycle when it so clearly affects emotion? Supposedly it's dismissive but it seems like a totally valid question like, "how tired or hangry are you?"
Harris O'Malley asks the letter writer to consider why he's asking a straight, cis man for a ruling instead of listening to his partner. "The reason why your response makes her mad is because your response isn't 'I'm sorry I didn't call, here's what happened,' it's 'look, you're not allowed to feel upset about this; your feelings aren't valid because X, Y or Z,'" he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Repair Things With My Friend After I Retouched Nude Photos That I Didn't Realize She Sent As A Sign Of Interest?
I M24 took a few years in photoshop and consider myself to be sort of good at it. I have a female friend (let's call her Ella) who I met about a year ago. She does some photography and modeling as a hobby.
To start off, I have a small photo retouching business. Nothing special, just a little side gig that makes me some cash on the side while I get my degree. Also, I have a business email set up that I use ONLY FOR MY BUSINESS AND NOTHING ELSE. My friends know this and they know to only send me things on it if they need any work done.
About 2 days ago Ella F22 send me a text saying, "Hey, I'm going to do a shoot today. Would you be able to take a look at some of my pictures when you get the chance?"
I replied, "Yeah sure just send them whenever and when I get time I'll take a look."
A few hours go by and I get the email. Now, let me say I am not the most attractive guy. I'm pretty short. I exercise regularly but I'm not super fit. My hair is really hard to work with and I feel like I could do a lot better in the looks department. Also I NEVER ask for nudes from ANYONE. I feel like it's disrespectful. Also, I've dated but recently got out of a really nasty relationship that left me feeling pretty self conscious.
All of this leads to the inclination that if someone is sending me nudes, it's probably not because they're interested.
Anyway, I get the email and it's about 20 nude pictures. Very tasteful and left nothing to the imagination. I figured she was starting an OF or something and since it's her body, her choice and I support my friends in everything they do, I touched them up early this morning.
I just cleaned up some blemishes, got rid of some stray hairs and razor bumps, and touched up some of the coloring. I also made a black and white set along with bit of dodge and burn. The long and short of it is, I spent a lot of time on it.
After all of that was done, I sent back the edited versions with the message, "Hey don't sweat payment. I hope this is what you're looking for. If you need me to take another look let me know."
She sent me a text maybe 15 minutes later saying, "This isn't what I was looking for at all."
I said, "Oh sorry, I just wasn't sure what you wanted. If you want me to go back and redo it I can."
Then I get the text, "It's fine. I g2g. Bye"
Super confused so I called her roommate (who I am also friends with) and asked if she was okay.
She let me have it. Started calling me dense, stupid, a jerk, and many other things. Through the insults I finally got the real story. Maybe I'm just naive, but I don't know why she would make it seem as if she wanted me to edit them when she just wanted me to look at them.
This just happened before I typed the post. I'm really not sure what to do. My last relationship kind of made me weird with dating, so I know I'm not ready. I want to feel like I'm worth something before I start dating again, but at the same time I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. Is there anything I can do to save the friendship?
The commenters on the r/relationship_advice subreddit generally agree that the letter writer behaved professionally and did nothing wrong. "Honestly I think you handled this correctly," one of them writes. "That's a really weird way to 'flirt' with someone, and she sent them to you to edit them." Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Try To Find Out Which Of My Colleagues Bought Me A Video Of A Porn Performer Giving Me Holiday Wishes?
I'm a mid-level employee on a team of about 20 within a larger organization. I started in 2019, though we've all been remote since March 2020...
This year, our manager organized a Secret Santa with the caveat that all gifts needed to be sent through some form of contactless delivery. Most of us created Amazon wishlists in case our gift-giver wasn't sure what to get us and wanted the option to have something shipped to our door...
I received my gift late last week to my non-work email, and it was a video message from a service that lets you buy personalized messages from celebrities. The message was from a woman I didn't recognize, who after a google search of her name I learned is a prominent porn star. In the video, the woman is not wearing anything scandalous, and wishes me a happy holiday and a fortunate new year. The video itself is actually very sweet and pleasant! But I am confused after discovering this person's sole occupation appears to be in porn. She doesn't say who the message is from in the video, she just says "Your Secret Santa wanted me to wish you a happy holiday."
To be clear, I have nothing against sex work, and I particularly hate the way people push adult stars to the fringes of polite society while simultaneously enjoying their content in private. But, it still feels some sort of inappropriate for an office Secret Santa, right? I have no idea who would have sent this. I don't have any private jokes or long histories with any of my coworkers to explain this. I have no aversion to a nice holiday message from an adult film star, but our office has some puritanical tendencies and this would have been horribly received by some of my coworkers...
Long, long story short, should I try to find out who my Secret Santa was? I mostly just want to know the intention behind this... My only concerns here are, mostly, that I'm somehow giving off the impression day-to-day that this gift was a good idea? If something in my office behavior is telling people that it'd be well-received to send me a video from a porn star, I want to correct that in myself. Second, a friend suggested that I raise this to my manager, which I initially thought was unnecessary. After all, I'm more unsettled than actually upset about this. However, maybe I should tell someone that I was sent this? While it didn't exactly have catastrophic effects here, it might be prudent for my boss to know that someone on our team is capable of this kind of lapse in judgment?
Alison Green encourages the letter writer to tell her boss. "It is alarming that someone on your team thought this was okay to do, and for all we know it's possible that there have been other issues that this is a part of," she writes. "For example, if it turns out that your gift-giver is someone who's already been warned about sexualizing the office environment, that's a big deal." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Forgive My Boyfriend For Calling Me A Boring Loser And Saying He Only Dates Me To Make His Friends Jealous?
My boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up, I guess. I am devastated because I was thinking this relationship would lead to marriage. His approach to the pandemic has made me nervous — throwing caution to the wind, no mask except when absolutely required, weekly meetups with large groups of friends. We've had several arguments about it, escalating to the last one where he told me I always acted like a "boring loser" and he couldn't take it anymore. By "always" he meant how I exercise every day and eat healthy and how serious I am about my job. It was like a lot of pent-up anger came pouring out.
When I asked why he was with me if he felt that way, he laughed and said because I was hot and it made his friends jealous.
He's been texting me a flood of apologies, saying he didn't mean it, he made it all up because he was mad. It sounded like truth to me. Is it possible he made that all up? He's pushed me to "loosen up" before but never called me boring. I really thought he loved me. I'm so brokenhearted. How do I figure out how he really feels?
Carolyn Hax advises the letter writer to reflect on whether their boyfriend makes them feel their best. "Even if he just made that all up, then you have to reckon with the fact that when this guy gets angry, he becomes a verbally abusive jerk," she writes. "And then tries to charm-wash it all away." Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Sue My Former Doctor For Not Telling Me That My Estranged Family Member Works For Them?
I recently found a note that said one of my family members who has done a super job of avoiding me for many, many years is alive and well! Not only is she well, but she has a job. The job is in health care in an office where I used to be a patient of their doctor. Do I have the right to sue? I would never have consented to a member of my family partaking in my care.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris informs the letter writer that they probably do not have grounds for a lawsuit. "Spending some time dealing with and processing the pain of being avoided and ignored for so many years will leave you feeling better than a lawsuit ever could," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond After My Wife Put Dog Vomit On My Desk?
My wife is very protective of our dog, "Spencer." I agree with her that Spencer should not receive table food. Yesterday, my wife put a large pile of dog vomit on my desk. She said it "proves" I have been feeding Spencer. Her accusation is not true.
I may have done some peculiar things in my time, but I have never put vomit on someone's desk. How should I respond?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren suggests taking Spencer to the vet to find the reason for his upset stomach. "As to your wife putting vomit on your desk, well, since you asked — I wouldn't blame you if you made it plain that SHE is in the doghouse," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
